I was almost robbed the other night going home late. Thank God I had just popped an Altoid. Did you know if you have an Altoid in your mouth and breathe on someone, you can disorientate them? Who needs a mint this strong? If you think you need a mint this strong, what you need is a tongue scraper.

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows; a Republican sucks.

What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means liar.

I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.

I remember the first date I ever went out on. It was in high school. Her name was Marguerite. She was kind of a heavyset girl... I took her out on one date. We went out for dinner and a movie and a dinner.

I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know? 'G'day mate!' 'No worries!' And it's like Arkansas with a beach. It's a whole country with a 'No Fat Chicks' sticker on it

You know why they call them blind dates? Because when you see the girl, you want to jab something sharp into your eyeballs.

n my life time, I went from an Eisenhower to a George W. Bush. I went from a John Kennedy to an Albert Gore. Now, if that is evolution, then I believe in about 12 years, we're gonna be voting for plants.

lol some are funny